Friday, January 19, 2007

I can't do this anymore

I'm coming out of a depression, so I'm very vulnerable, and I might not be seeing things clearly. Maybe by this time next week, I won't feel this way. But I've really had my fill of blogs. I guess I should have stopped reading blogs that feature regular doses of infighting. But Laurelin's right: there's a thin line between stirring and silence.

You know what makes me furious? Heart posted something amazing: she posted Ballastexistenz's video, which was made in response to the Ashley Treatment (parents of a disabled girl have surgically and chemically altered her body to make caring for her easier). The video is about a woman claiming her personhood in the face of society's insistence that she's nothing. Ballastexistenz knows all too well what it's like to be denied personhood. It's an amazing video, a must-see. The next post on Heart's blog is about the monster/Robin Morgan fight. The Robin Morgan post had, at last count, 87 comments. The post of Ballastexistenz's video had 6 comments. Marginalized again.

Assuming I can muster the energy, and that's a big assumption, I'm going to try to take this blog in a different direction. I haven't figured this out completely, but I want to focus on theory, ideas for actions that will actually have an impact, and activism. Suggestions on how to do this are most welcome.


sly civilian said...

it's a particularly crappy fight this time around.

i wish people could just stand up and admit that it's unfinished transwars business. yet, folk are actually taking this "slight" seriously.

war is politics expressed by other means, and this citiations squabble is war expressed by other means.

and again, good things go undone when we stop to fight.

looking forward to what's next for you here.

neuralgourmet said...

I'm really sorry you haven't been feeling well. I know I haven't been around very much the past couple of months but I do think of you and mr. spotted-e often. I'm sure whatever direction you decide to go in with your blog will be terrific. You have a strong voice and a wonderfully emotive writing style.

radfemlezzie said...

Let me know how I can help.

Renegade Evolution said...

as long as bumble sticks around ;)

hang tough, SE...and take the blog where ever you want and however it suits you.

Blackamazon said...

*hugs* DO whatever you need to

lost clown said...

All I can say is that your existence in the blogosphere makes my day a little brighter.

sparkleMatrix said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sparkleMatrix said...

Come here SE (((hugs))) Yes I agree Ballastexistenz's video is amazing - I understand her message. However, as you say...
Maybe this is a catalyst for change. For you?

Sylvia said...

I'm looking forward to seeing where you go, and I hope you recover quickly. *hug*

flawedplan said...

I've been waiting for this, checking your place here daily. I really like you, so will say this: It sounds to me like the first step to isolating, going inward and into a depressive spiral, where the cognitions get so dark and compelling, and there's no one to offer perspective or even to listen to what wants to be heard. I think you need more support. For what's happening to your hope and vitality and sense of meaning. This is only a guess, I have no idea if I'm being too personal , but you are much in my thoughts. Take care, you.


flawedplan said...

I'm sorry, that came off rather impersonal, which is happens when I'm scared of sounding too familiar. Take care you lovely woman, is what I meant to say.

beansa said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so drained and discoraged and frustrated SE. For what it's worth, your is one of the only blogs I even bother to read any more; if I wanted to listen to bickering, I'd just pay attention to my family. Ha! I understand the need and desire to take a break, but you can count me as yet another person who values your unique insight and adorable bunny.

Let me know if you need anything, I'm local to ya, you know.



AradhanaD said...

OMG - I had no idea what had been going on. I just went off into my world this past week - decided to take my own e-break and realized all hell had broke loose. I went over to laurelin's and then women's space.

I too really felt like I was done with blogging SE, and I think I am quite 'done' with blog politics. That's why I took a little break.

I'm just going to stick to reading the few blogs that I really have liked over the past few months - and more importantly sticking to reading 'actual content' and commenting on it. Not saying that blogging isn't useful or important - I just think the 'personal' is too 'political' in the blogosphere.

There is so much out there to learn and being 'weighed' down by nasty comments is not worth the time/effort.

Sometimes the criticism is warranted, and we should all be open to it - but sometimes it's a slagging competition.

Much love to you sister-friend.

Take good care of yourself.


flawedplan said...

The power struggles in the left blogosphere are not representative of the radical communities I've known in real life. Broad, structural change is needed, but whatever's going on has to be articulated. Maybe taking a step back is what it takes to see the big picture.

There is a lot of ugly "teaching", but what we need is a pedagogy of rudimentary emotional intelligence. We need understanding and support in these spaces, less political posturing and more ethics of care. I notice the insidious ways electronic dynamics can impact on me, the vulnerability is magnified and distorted in this milieu, and I have enough inner demons of my own to contend with without taking on the presumed disdain of my virtual peer group. I believe in reassurance, and that we are called to practice reassurance online.

Gah. I seem to be dominating this thread, and will close with what I hope are cheering quotes by women, if I may--

~You’ve got to have something to eat and a little love in your life before you can hold still for any damn body’s sermon on how to behave.~
Billie Holiday

~A vise is something like a girdle. We can step out of them.
Anne Wilson Schaef

~I am the dialogue between my Self and el espiritu del mundo. I
change myself, I change the world.~
Gloria Anzaldua (b. 1942)

~Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free
to delight in whatever remains to them?~
Rose Kennedy, Martriarch (b. 1890)

~I'll walk where my own nature would be leading: It vexes me to choose another guide.~
Emily Bronte (b. 1818)

~I've never played a doormat.~
Jennifer Jason Leigh (b. 1962)

~The task of the mentally ill is no different from the task of the others; to experience the world and tell the story.~Susan Bauer

~The more we were despised, the harder we worked.~
Yoshiko Uchida (b. 1921)

~The world is wide, and I will not waste my life in
friction when it could be turned into momentum.~
Frances Willard (b. 1839)

~You can no more win a war than you can win
an earthquake.~
Jeanette Rankin (b. 1880)

~You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.~
Indira Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister

~Forgiveness is the act of admitting we are like other people.~
Christina Baldwin (b. 1946)

~The only good teachers for you are those friends
who love you, who think you are interesting or
very important, or wonderfully funny.~
Brenda Ueland (b. 1891)

~We must not make war with each other while,
in our vulnerability, we try to create something new.~
Miriam Shapiro (b. 1923)

spotted elephant said...

First of all, thank you so much to all of you-your support means a lot to me.

Bumble will retain his rightful hold on Mondays. :)

beansa-That's what I always think-if I wanted pointless negativity, I'd re-establish contact with my family!

Robin-You were not too personal, or impersonal-you were just right! And you're not dominating the thread, I appreciate your comments here very much. Thank you for those quotes!

Bea said...

My tip for activism is to think small to start with. It is easy to get overwhelmed. My other tip is to work with others and use support networks. The last tip is about enjoying your activism.

Laura said...

Big love to you, SE, and I hope you are able to take your blog in a positive direction that makes you happy.

I posted a positive comment about blogging on my blog today if you want to take a look; it certainly made me feel brighter.

ms. jared said...

i hear you, SE. that's kind of why i've put half my focus on the sfspca instead of 100% towards feminism. it's really painful and heartbreaking thinking about women's oppression 24/7 not to mention all the infighting and hating. i'm used to men hating us, but when it's other women it's a lot more difficult to bear.

do what you need to do to take care of yourself. it's what we all must do to survive. if you need a break, give yourself one.

lots of love...
xoxo, jared (and mabel)

FallingStar said...

I'm sorry you've been feeling bad - I hope you will feel better soon *hug*

I've been astounded myself over the amount of fighting going on recently. There's more important things to put our energy into.

Don't worry - there are lots of lovely people who will support you whatever you do (myself included) and I'm looking forward to the new direction you may be going towards. Your blog has always been interesting to me :)

v said...

hey SE :)

if theres anything i can do to help..


SecondWaver said...

You are a gem, SE. I look forward to continuing to read what you have to say, if you do continue. I want you to be well--all of us to be well! -- sw

imfunnytoo said...

Aww SE...don't "go" Change, sure,

Too many are leavin'

And I hope you feel better....I wrestle at depression also, like tonight....two three times weekly...

Sending good thoughts