Thursday, September 07, 2006

Been here, done this

I wrote five posts on Tuesday. [First danger sign.] That's more than I usually write in a week, even if you count Monday Bunny Blogging. I only posted 4 of the 5, because I realized after writing the long 5th post, that I didn't agree with what I written. [Second danger sign.] Even though I desperately needed to lie down, I couldn't stop moving. Then yesterday, suddenly I stopped racing around and did nothing but lie still. I didn't want to read blogs or read books or pet Bumble. [Third danger sign.] Today I've been thinking about the futility of everything, and spontaneously weeping. [Brain, screaming: Pay attention already!]

Last time I experienced this, the doctors had raised my Effexor 2 dosage levels. It took away the pain, but made me cycle between hypomania and depression. The esteemed doctors decided to try raising the (reduced to original dose) Effexor by one dosage level to see if that helped the pain without making me cycle.

Nope. Bastards. I can only imagine the fun now as I'm going to have to wean off of Effexor and try another drug. Bastards. They really are trying to help me.

I'm overly emotional, so please know I'm not blaming, but I really miss Kaka Mak, and now Pippi isn't going to blog anymore and I can't even bear to think about what Granny is going through. Here's hoping the hypomania will knock the depression out of the park until this is over.


manxome said...

((( SE ))) Aw, crap. Well, I hope you've let the people around you know, and that they seriously back off on all those "little" things that are now huge and can make it all the worse.

Not puns, though. Puns are good. ;)

hexyhex said...


Ugh. Rapid cycling. Hate that shit.

I went through a similar thing with effexor... the dosage change just had too much of an effect on me. One level up was destabilising, one level down just didn't do anything. Weaning sucked, but it eventually meant I got put on the right drugs.

Hang in there, hon, and remember we're all here for you if you need us. Let me know if I can help at all, although the offer seems a little useless from here. :(

I miss Kaka too.

v said...

we're here for you se.

Laurelin said...

love and hugs, SE.

I hate the bloody juggling of medications and doses, hate feeling like the proverbial guinea pig.

I miss Kaka and Pippi too.

what v said.

Renegade Evolution said...

Hang in there SE...

The Goldfish said...

Thinking of you, Elephant. Hope this spell passes as smoothly and quickly as possibly.

beansa said...

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hoping your docs will figure it out medicine wise, and that you will find some ways to care for yourself too. I've been on effexor and it made me pace and smoke ciggs like a chimney and grind my teeth until one morning I couldn't open my mouth because my jaw muscles were so tense. Not a fun drug, you have my empathy.

It's ok to be intensely emotional, by the way. Maybe there's a reason for it. Just so long as you feel safe, go ahead and feel.

Laura Linger said...

Sister, if you need to talk, you know where to find Another Goddamned Liberal.

Madame DeBarge said...

Oh, man. I am so sorry. Rapid cycling blows, and medication changes, oy.
Good luck with it, I hope you find what you need.
(and, side note with effexor? Took me 6 freaking months to get all the way off it.)

witchy-woo said...

SE (((hug)))

I hope this gets sorted out properly and quickly.
Hang in there.


soopermouse said...

I am sorry to hear it. This is why I refuse to take pills, even when needed sorely. In my teenage years, I had a doctor who keps me out of trouble by keeping me on all sorts of pills. It was bad. What is worse, it wasn't me, just some chemically controlled zombie.

I (used to?) work in a mental health setting, a Forensic mental Health service that cares for mental patients who are considered dangerous and a threat to themselves and others.
I have seen the hard way that pills do not make people feel better, they just make their suffering somewhat more acceptable.

I wish you good luck.

Justjuliefornow said...

I am so sorry you're feeling so poorly. *wants to say something helpful and supportive, but what?*

Aiming much positive energy at you, though.

hexyhex said...

Hope you're feeling better, SE. I had to drop by to give you this because it's bloody awesome!

)SSS( dSSo.""*b YSSSY

hexyhex said...

Bugger. Didn't work. *sad*

Z said...

Dear Spotted Elephant,

I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and really hope things get better soon.

Please take extra good care!!

offers *hugs*


Aishwarya said...


I'm here if you need anything, though right now I feel rather useless.

Kim said...

DON'T miss "Kaka Mak", SE!
I needed to put her away months ago. I'm working very hard on being just Kim these days and it has been a killer.

When I feel more myself, I'll send you an email.
Suffice to say, I think I feel a *bit* where you're at, but am fighting a different monster that I've been trying to slay with a twig for decades.
I''m finally to pick up a BAZOOKA and kill this monster dead -- but it will take time.

Until then, hugs to you!
I'm taking a big internet break, but will be reading when I can.

neuralgourmet said...

Hang in there spotted-e. You know I'm obsessing over my own things these days but we'll keep a spare neuron or two firing for you.

sparkleMatrix said...


BloggingMone said...

Hi SE, this is a bit off topic, but I have put an ad on my blog to promote the awareness week. After having read Neuralgourmet's comment, do you want me to leave it there, or did you change your mind about the campaign?

spotted elephant said...

Everyone-Thank you so much for all of your support-it means a lot to me.

Mone-It's completely up to you. I've left my post up, because even if I don't like the people involved, it is an important message.

I think eventually we should create our own day. :)

soopermouse said...

SE, are you feeling better? I hope that you do.

SecondWaver said...

i am only now reading your post, i'm very sad to see what you've been going through, SE.

you are a beautiful soul, and i am also sending you much much good energy and thoughts... sw

Laura Linger said...

Ugh. Effexor. Never been on it, but I have been on Paxil, Prozac and Zoloft and pretty much hated all three. This bipolar chick simply cannot take SSRIs, it seems, and now the mere mention of them sends me into a tailspin.

Been having a bit of trouble lately with residual anxiety, nothing too major, just uncomfortable. Doc suggests Paxil. I freak out. No, no, no, no, no, I say. Or aren't the 40 lbs. I've gained on lithium enough for you? Paxil is a notorious weight-gainer, and my vanity simply cannot take any more weight. And that doesn't even begin to cover the sexual problems that accompany a drug like Paxil.

Effexor is a funny drug, I think. I know several crazy people like you and me who positively swear that it saved their lives. Then I know people like you, who have had a number of very yucky problems with it. It's so contingent on the body chemistry, right?

Hang in there, and if you need to talk Bipolar Broad to Bipolar Broad, you know where to find me :-)